


Overwatch DnD Nights

by NevaRYadL



Category: Overwatch (Video Game)
Genre: DnD Night, Hijinks & Shenanigans, Literally just goofy shit, Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-31
Updated: 2017-05-28
Packaged: 2018-10-13 03:43:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 9,820
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10505697
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NevaRYadL/pseuds/NevaRYadL
Summary: Overwatch's Dungeons and Dragons Nights!





	1. Session 1

**Author's Note:**

> A ongoing set of adventuers as Overwatch operatives (and others) play some good old DnD. Will include some of mine and musey's experiences with DnD/Pathfinder and we'll also take into consideration prompts and ideas from our beloved readers!
> 
> Have a good morning, afternoon and night pups!
> 
> Send your prompts/ideas over to my [tumblr](https://nevaryadlwrites.tumblr.com/)!

“ _Against every shred of common sense, morality and otherwise every fiber of my being telling me that this is not wise,_ ” Gabriel rasped to the people around the table, “ _Welcome to DnD night._ ”

The former Talon agent adjusted the DM guide in front of him and several sheets of papers and his 'bag of doom' before clearing his throat.

“ _Alright, assuming that we don’t have a repeat of the paladin that shall not be named,_ ” Gabriel said, making sure to shoot a dirty glance over to a sheepishly smiling Lena, “ _Let’s begin by going around and introducing your characters.”_

“Did you really have to approve our character sheets?” Genji asked.

“ _Yes, else we’re prone to another paladin that cannot be named,_ ” He said, “ _Who wants to start?_ ”

“My character is Daisy!” Hana chimed in, “She’s a gnome barbarian!”

“…How the fuck is that possible?” McCree asked.

“ _Quite easily, just need to know how to arrange it,_ ” Gabriel said, “ _It is hard mode though, but that’s Hana for you. Next?_ ”

“I’m Luc, the human bard,” Lúcio grinned.

“I am the table cleric, half elf,” Mercy said, already sounding tired, “Keep me alive.”

“I am a half-elf fighter, Yuki,” Genji said, devoid of his usual helm and face plates.

“I am Ghost, the human druid,” Ana said.

“ _East and West?_ ” Gabriel asked.

“Human fighter with a crossbow,” McCree said. Hanzo muttered something underneath his breath before McCree peered at the neat and tidy character sheet.

“Half elf ranger… awww, babe did’ja make yer character Genji’s character’s brother?” McCree drawled out.

Hanzo pinked and refused to say something.

“ _You alright with this?_ ” Gabriel asked Genji.

“Are you kidding? This is incredibly affectionate for Hanzo, hell yes I accept!” Genji gaped.

“I am Wilhelm the dragonborn paladin!” Reinhardt beamed.

“ _Of course, Master Zenyatta?_ ”

“I crossed classed into monk and cleric, elf,” Zenyatta said.

“ _That just leaves… Lena,_ ” Gabriel said.

“No worries! I’m a human rogue Emi!” Lena grinned.

“ _Remember, the paladin cannot be named or Athena shuts down communications for three days,_ ” Gabriel rasped, glaring daggers at the free runner, “ _Do. Not. Mention. Him._ ”

“You’re all boring,” Lena pouted.

“ _Alright, now that everyone is introduced…_ ” Gabriel said.

“What’s going on?”

Jack entered the rec room to find a dozen or so of Overwatch operatives seated at an operated table from the cafeteria. A surplus of paper sheets, colorful dice and holoscreens were laid out across the table and a supply of drinks and snacks.

“ _DnD night, you know, that thing you were always too jock for, white boy,_ ” Gabriel snarked.

“Hey, how about you join?” Lena asked, “Make up for lost time!”

“I have no idea how in the hell this shit works,” Jack said.

“ _Then guess what, you’re now my co-DM Jackie,_ ” Gabriel said, dragging an empty chair over next to him and smacking it invitingly, “ _You’ll look shit up for me and help with voices._ ”

“You know, babe, when I said we should hang out more, I didn’t mean like this,” Jack said, but joining Gabe none the less.

“ _You’ll get date night soon enough, Jackie, right now you’ll see why we do this shit,_ ” Gabriel smirked before turning to the table. He loudly cleared his throat before throwing a glance around the table for dramatic effect.

“ _ADVENTURERS!_ ”

* * *

“ _There will be no tail getting in the tavern,_ ” He growled at the disappointed table.

“Ahhh,” Lena whined.

“ _You want to bang one another, go right on ahead, but there will be no banging the locals,_ ” He relented, “ _Now, according to the information that the mysterious stranger from the crosswords gave you, the person you’re looking for is a short and hairy person with an air of terror about them. What do you do?_ ”

“Are there any dwarves?” Hanzo asked.

“ _Roll for perception,_ ”

Hanzo shook a rather expensive blue and gold d20 before letting it lamely fall to the table, “…17.”

“ _There are no dwarves here, actually, with your keen eye, you notice that there isn’t anyone that even looks mildly perturbed. Everyone seems either bored or geniunely enjoying themselves._ ”

“I try and flirt with the bar maid,” Lena said.

“… _Just to spite your lesbian ass they’re all gay men,_ ” Gabriel deadpanned.

“You’re a wanker, Gabe,” Lena pouted.

“ _Anyone else?_ ”

“Can we see the tavern owner?” Zenyatta asked.

“ _From Hanzo’s perception check from earlier, I’ll give you that there is a large half-orc scrubbing glasses at the counter that gives off an air of being a boss._ ”

“I will advice that our paladin speak with him, because I know that he has a better charisma check then me,” Zenyatta said before inclining his head to the giant man, “Wilhelm, how about you ask the tavern owner if our quarry is here? Surely he will open up to you and your divine air.”

“Of course! I go up to the tavern owner—“ Reinhardt started.

“And flirt with him!” Lena butted in.

“No, our DM said no,” Reinhardt retorted.

“I tell our paladin to lay it on real thick, ‘for the adventure Wilhelm!’” Lena goaded on.

“I certainly wouldn’t mind seeing our big dragonborn flirting with the big half-orc,” Ana teased.

At that, Reinhardt pinked slightly and he fiddled with his fingers for a moment before straightening up.

“I… go up to the tavern owner and ask if such a dashing fellow is in charge around here…”

“ _Roll for charisma._ ”

Reinhardt took up is steel colored dice and give them a vigorous shake before almost shyly dumping them in front of him. Everyone leaned closer to get a better look when Reinhardt just sat there and stared blankly at the dice.

“…nat 20.”

* * *

“ _To recap… we started this adventure without a hitch, managed to get to town, you’re paladin slept with the tavern owner and nailed each check so successfully that you’re staying for free for the duration of the campaign, East and West got caught making out outside due to a spectacular agility check fail by our dex based **archer** , our druid managed to catch some of the action that went down between the tavern owner and our paladin by hanging out outside the window from a tree. Lena got drunk and stole a bunch of shit and now you’re set on funds for awhile, the fighter and the monk broke a **goddamn** bed and then the bard, the gnome and the cleric enjoyed a nice and boring evening and… anyone else?_ ”

Jack was silently wheezing and leaning against Gabriel's side. Reinhardt was red and had his face buried in his hands as Ana laughed at his expanse and patted his back comfortably. Lena was busy tallying up all coin she had made from selling off her stolen goods. McCree was trying to comfort Hanzo who looked _immensely_ disappointed in himself. Zenyatta was trying to look everywhere but Genji’s immensely proud and unabashed face.

“ _Right, are we good here? Take this up another time since all those failed checks took so long?_ ” He said.

“Dishonor on you, dishonor on me, dishonor on the family,” Genji said to Hanzo between fits of laughter. Surprisingly, Hanzo just buried his face into his arms and let out a small groan, “Dishonor on your spectral blue noodles.”

“Says the one that broke a bed,” McCree laughed, “Damn Genji.”

“It was Zen’s strength check that broke it!” Genji retorted, still laughing.

A heat vent on Zenyatta’s chest chassis opened and a burst of hot air whooshed out as the Omnic monk looked everywhere but anyone’s faces. If omnics could blush everyone knew that the poor monk would be beat red.

“I’m surprised that our big Dragonborn and the half orc didn’t break anything,” Ana teased.

“It broke the paladin, that’s what it did,” Lena laughed, “Please tell me that we’re doing this again soon, please Gabe!”

“ _We can, I’ll make sure to let everyone know when it happens. For now… good night dear adventurers, until we meet again._ ”


	2. Session 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Session 2. Very, very mildly implied Roadhog/Junkrat, very mild McCree/Hanzo, Soldier 76/Reaper.
> 
> Our dear adventurers lose their paladin for the evening but gain a rather explosive warlock and rather large half orc barbarian wielding a giant meat hook. They try and continue on their journey but come across a few... 'snags'.
> 
> My stress writing is your gain lmao, love ya pups!
> 
> Translation Notes:  
> Du verdammter Idiot! = You fucking idiot  
> Kutabare = Drop dead
> 
> EDIT 4/12/2017: Fixed Mercy incorrectly speaking Swedish to German

“ _Welcome back adventurers,_ ” Gabriel rasped to the group assembled before him. “ _Now, as you may see, our dear paladin could not join us this week. With the rules, we’re going to act like he’s here but he’s keeping quiet. If you choose to leave the tavern, he’s going to remain there. Now, in his place you picked up two wayward adventurers that have heard about your plight and decided to join you. Boys?_ ”

Instead of Reinhardt, who had claimed that a last minute obligation had stolen his time for the exact duration of the meeting up, was Junkrat and Roadhog. Junkrat was busy trying to decipher what Gabriel had written for him on his character sheet and Roadhog took the imitative to elbow the smaller junker to get his attention.

“Ow, what the… oh! Are we supposed ta introduce ourselves here?” Junkrat asked.

“ _Yes, doesn’t need to be fancy or anything, but race and class would help the group RP,_ ” Gabriel said patiently.

“Oh um… fuck, hog what’s this say?” Junkrat asked, handing off the character sheet to Roadhog. Roadhog took it and pulled the paper a bit closer to his mask to read through the tinted lenses.

“Teifling warlock,” The larger junker reported.

“Alright, teifling warlock, um… Rustgoat,” Junkrat chimed, perking up.

“ _Roadhog?_ ”

“Half-orc barbarian,” Roadhog said, “Boar.”

“ _You are joined by a tiefling warlock and a half-orc barbarian, NOT the tavern owner before you go there Ana,_ ” Gabriel said while Ana pouted playfully. “ _Now, last we left, quite a few of you had some rather interesting adventures. The ranger and the crossbow wielding fighter got caught macking outside because the ranger spectacularly failed a dex save and then the fighter failed each charisma save to save face. Your paladin and the half orc tavern owner had absolutely fantastic sex because the paladin could not stop throwing nat20s. Your rogue got absolutely smashed and stole a bunch of shit and sold it all off. Your cleric, your gnome and your bard had a quiet and uneventful evening._ ”

Junkrat had started laughing upon hearing about the blunders of the ranger and the fighter, but was full blown crying with laughter when the group’s adventures had been regaled in full. The junker buried his face in his hands as he wheezed and almost _screeched_ with high pitched laughter. Roadhog gave his back a few solid smacks to help him along.

“I ask our monk if he needs some coin for the broken bed,” Lena giggled.

Zenyatta buried his faceplates in his hands as Genji chuckled.

“I’m sure that our paladin could persuade the tavern owner to put it on a tab for now,” Ana chuckled.

“I suggest that we move one with the quest,” Hanzo gruffed, the tips of his ears still a bit pink.

“I concur!” Zenyatta quickly added.

“Yeah, I want some adventure, let’s get a move on,” Hana added.

“ _What do you do?_ ” Gabriel asked.

“I don’t suppose that our paladin got anything useful last night out of the tavern owner?” Lúcio asked.

“ _I’ll give you that the tavern owner said that he has not recently seen anyone short or hairy, but he suggests checking out the river just on the edge of town. Travelers who don’t want to stay in town long usually camp along it._ ”

“To the river!” The adventurers chimed together.

* * *

“ _Roll again,_ ” Gabriel laughed, Jack almost choking on his breath into Gabriel’s shoulder.

“…5,” Hanzo steamed.

“ _You’re back in the town square,_ ” Gabriel wheezed, “ _Roll again._ ”

“…nat1,” Hanzo growled.

“ _You’re back at the tavern,_ ” Gabriel laughed.

“Oi cunt, stop leading us in circles!” Junkrat snapped.

“Ranger, please just stop,” Angela sighed, rubbing her temples.

“Your brother is really bad at this,” Hana stage whispered to a giggling Genji.

“No, no, he’s got this, let him roll again,” Genji guffawed, actual tears rolling down his eyes as he watched Hanzo burn red with rage and embarrassment.

“…can we ask for directions?” Roadhog asked.

“ _Y-yeah,_ ” Gabriel managed between fits of laughter, “ _W-what do you do?_ ”

“Hmm… anyone near by?” Roadhog asked.

“ _Uhh,_ ” Gabriel said, chocking down on his giggle to reach into his bag of doom to claim a random die. He gave it toss onto the table. “ _Uh, yes there is. There is a few people that have been watching you lot run circles through the town._ ”

“ **I** will ask someone,” Angela said, “I would like to go up to the nearest person and ask kindly if they will direct us to the river.”

“ _Roll charisma,_ ”

Mercy took up her faux-gold and white d20 and gave it a light toss. Everyone leaned forward to look at the result.

“…7,” Angela muttered, going back to rubbing her temples.

* * *

“Yeah, it’s that way,” Jack said seriously in character before breaking into wild laughter, burying his face into Gabriel’s shoulderblade as the former Talon agent kept his face buried in his arms and roared with laughter.

“Oh my fucking god, finally!” Hana yelled.

“I toldja I could do it,” Junkrat huffed.

“Good job,” Roadhog said, scratching along Junkrat’s balding scalp as the junker giggled.

“You bring shame onto this family,” Genji deadpanned to his brother, who still seemed a bit burned from his embarrassment. Hanzo just buried his face in his hands and groaned deeply as McCree bit back chuckles and rubbed his back soothingly.

They gave their DM and his co-DM a moment to quell the laughing and then a moment to stop from continuing their laughter. Even then, they were a bit flushed and breathless.

“ _S-so…oh my god… so you finally got directions to the river…jesus fuck I can’t…_ ,” Gabriel managed between lingering chuckles.

“Let’s move already!” Lúcio said, “Jeez, I made more coin playing my flute here then our rogue mysteriously made last night while waiting for you yahoos to get it together.”

“Yeah, come on, let’s get to some fighting already,” Hana urged the group on.

“Please,” Angela groaned.

“ _Let’s move, adventurers._ ”

* * *

“ _Alright ranger, as you sure you want to roll?_ ”

“Yes,” Hanzo snapped, clearly angered, already shaking a clenched fist with his pretty d20. The archer let it go before Gabriel could further question him, letting the d20 hit the table with a curious sound.

“You’re so goddamn extra,” Genji scolded his brother as he waited for the dice to stop spinning.

“…14,” Hanzo groaned.

“ _I’ll give you that there are three dwarves off to the side,_ ” Gabriel chuckled.

“You have redeemed yourself brother,” Genji grinned.

“I’ll handle this!” Junkrat chimed, “I walk meself over to the dwarves and politely introduce meself as ‘Rustgoat’. I say, ‘me and my friends are uh…’ hold on, what the fuck are we loking for?”

“…I forgot,” Hana said.

“…Same,” Lúcio added.

“I can’t remember,” Angela groaned.

“Uh, something about fear?” McCree drawled.

“I could not tell you,” Hanzo groaned.

“ _One of the dwarves looks up at this scrawny smoking tiefling and gives you a look of abject horror, ‘It’s you adventurers! The seer told us about you lot! You’re here to kill that asshole wizard plaguing the lands! I… look out!_ ’”

“What? What happened?” Junkrat asked, looking around.

“ _Roll for initiative!_ ”

* * *

“I need healing!” Genji yelped, moving his character piece across the laid out map.

“You need to be in range, _Du verdammter Idiot!_ ” Mercy yelled, moving her character piece after his.

* * *

“ _Daisy and Boar for the win,_ ” Gabriel smirked as the group patched their wounds, “ _Green team, want to loot the bodies of the wolves while everyone licks their wounds?_ ”

“Heck yes! What do we find?” Hana grinned as she gave Roadhog a fistbump.

“ _Among the hook and sword butchered corpses, you find a odd collar on one with a strange symbol, neither of you recognize it though._ ”

“Who would?” Hana asked.

“ _Well you can see if your smoldering tielfing knows anything, though you may want to wait for the cleric to patch up his burns from that botched spell. Or see if you can spot one of the dwarves, they could not have run far and only one of the wolves grabbed one of them, it was only a couple of shakes maybe a broken leg. Or you could take it back to town to see if someone there knows what it is._ ”

“Let’s hunt the dwarves down, big guy,” Hana said to Roadhog.

“ _Roll perception,_ ” Gabriel said.

Hana took up her pink and rabbit print dice, a product of her own merchandise store, and gave it a toss. Everyone leaned in to count the rabbit heads.

“Nat20!” Hana cheered.

“ _Kutabare!_ ” Hanzo yelled, tossing his things everywhere and making the table burst out into teary laughter.

“ _The salt is real._ ”

* * *

“ _Back in the tavern carrying the injured dwarf with her friends in tow, the tavern owner greets you kindly and makes sure to give the servers a look of ‘their drinks are on me’. What do you do?_ ”

“I will get the injured dwarf a place to rest and continue working on her maimed leg,” Angela said.

“I will help,” Ana said.

“ _Anyone else?_ ”

“I’ll play a tune but won’t accept money, I feel bad that the owner is letting us stay, drink and eat for free,” Lúcio said.

“I’m drinking with my new friends!” Hana grinned at the junkers.

“Free booze!” Junkrat giggled.

“I make sure that Rust is put out before he gets anywhere near alcohol,” Roadhog said.

“ _East and West? Bed breakers?_ ”

“Going outside, finding a quiet spot and contemplating my failures,” Hanzo groaned.

“Want company honeysuckle?” McCree offered.

“ **No,** ” Hanzo huffed.

“We enjoy the free drinks,” Genji said, “Though maybe later…”

“We will contemplate the good word of Bahamut, my dear sparrow,” Zenyatta quickly said.

“I try and find something to entertain myself for the evening,” Lena pouted.

“ _Not my fault you missed every shot,_ ” Gabriel said, “ _Anyway, that seems like a good of a place any to stop. Alright… recap of this session. You met two new adventurers, your ranger continued to fail each perception check thrown at him and then some, your tiefling finally saved you by scoring a charisma check and during the time that you lot floundered your bard made some pretty serious bank. You finally made it to the river and found the person you’re looking for only for wolves to attack. The barbarians were MVPs as everyone failed to hit or deal significant damage. Then the gnome barbarian scored the first perception check of the night and you all went back to the tavern to settle for the night._ ”

“Diiissshooonoooorrr,” Genji stage whispered to his brother.

“I drink this pint in my victory!” Hana said, lifting her pink soda.

“This shit is fun!” Junkrat giggled as he drank his own drink, that boba tea of his.

“Fun would not be how I would describe it,” Hanzo grumbled.

“ _Of course, salt factory,_ ” Gabriel snarked, making the archer puff up in anger, “ _But for now… good night dear adventurers, until next we meet._ ”


	3. One Shot Adventure: Monster Hunters

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: Implied McHanzo, Roadrat, Reaper76, implied smut, minor blood
> 
> Gabe's not doing so hot, the the group has a mini adventure while he gets better!
> 
> The byproduct of reading one too many MonsterHunter!McCree/Oni!Hanzo fics, I regret nothing.

“As you all know, Gabe is busy resting up after gittin’ his usual treatment,” McCree drawled out to the usual assembled DnD group for the night. Reinhardt had rejoined the group, but Zenyatta and Genji had taken to some moonlight meditating. Not only that, but as McCree had said Gabe was busy for the night and Jack had chosen to join him.

“I’ll be yer DM fer this little adventure,” McCree said with a tip of his hat, “We’ll do a fun little one shot so we can all have a bit of fun and not mess wit’ the normal story.”

“What are we playing?” Angela asked.

McCree opened his mouth to say something when Hanzo interrupted, “Not one of those inane Western themed ones, I hope.”

“Sugar pie, honey suckle, darling, my tall glass of sweet tea,” McCree crooned, grinning when the red rose to Hanzo’s high cheekbones in deeper and deeper shades of red with each sickening sweet affectionate nickname, “You have such little faith in me.”

“Well, what are we playing?” Lena piped up.

“Just a fun little adventure that Gabe pointed me towards, somethin’ we can pick up if y’all like it enough,” McCree grinned.

“Monster hunters.”

* * *

“Alright, now that we’ve gotten everyone settled, how’s about we introduce ourselves?” McCree said, “I’ll be playing yer guide and veteran party member, Dead-Eye, resident sharp shooter and tracker. To those of our party members that have a good sense of smell, you can tell I’m human. Next?”

“Oh oh!” Lena chimed.

“Remember Athena’s warnings, Lena,” McCree drawled.

“Oh, hush you,” Lena grinned, sticking her tongue out at the outlaw, “I’m a human hunter with Dead-Eye’s order, I duel wield pistols.”

“I’mma a mad human scientist!” Junkrat chimed, “Call me… Dr. Junkenstien!”

“Roadhog?”

“Undead, Junkenstien’s monster,” Roadhog grunted.

“Wait, wait… wait,” Reinhardt said, “You said… Gabriel told you of this adventure?”

“Yeah, sumthin’ wrong?” McCree asked.

“No, no!” Reinhardt laughed, “This is just seems all like a story I once told at a Halloween party is all! I am glad Gabriel remembered it!”

“How about you go next then, big man?”

“Possessed, by an ice wraith,” Reinhardt grinned, “Warrior with a mighty hammer!”

“Human witch,” Angela said.

“Human monster tamer,” Hana said, looking at her sheet, “With um… a tamed low level demon that vaguely looks rabbit like.”

“Human assassin hiding behind a mask,” Ana said.

“Darlin’?” McCree asked his squeeze.

“…Oni, archer,” Hanzo muttered.

“Well, this is certainly gonna be an intertestin’ party dynamic,” McCree said, “How’s about we start?”

* * *

“Yer group comes to the entrance of the town, only ta be stopped by the guards. They tell you lot right away that _some_ of yer party members are not welcomed inta town. Whudda ya do?”

“You—!” Junkrat started before Lena gave the junker a swift kick to the knee underneath the table.

“I tell them we’re with the order and they are here to help us with the town’s problems. What better way to fight this problem then get an expert?” Lena quickly said.

“Roll fer charisma,”

“17,” Lena reported after tossing her rainbow die.

“After a bit of hemmin’ and hawin’ they decide to let you in, but warn you to keep an eye on yer non-human party members,”

“Fuckin’ cunts,” Junkrat muttered.

"We are here to help!" Reinhardt said, attempting to help.

“Now, you mosey on inta town and you can see the effects that the recent vampire and demon problem has caused them. It’s dirty, down trodden and generally unpleasant.”

“Such a shame,” Hanzo lazily muttered, “They beg for help and almost turn us away due to superstition.”

“Cunts,” Junkrat reiterated.

“Now, my very bristly friend,” McCree said in character, “They’re just scared and talkin’ out their asses. They’ll lighten up once we git this over wit’.”

“I kiss the hunter to shut him up,” Hanzo said flatly, grinning quite slyly when McCree blushed a cute pink.

“And shut him up ya have,” McCree muttered as the table laughed as the former outlaw’s burning face disappeared underneath his hat.

* * *

“After gittin some rest,” McCree started only to be interrupted by Junkrat’s perverse giggling and Hanzo’s knowing smile and Ana’s amused laughter, “Alrigh’ I git it, not a lot of us ‘ere restin’ last night. **Anyway,** ya git outside and a few people ‘re mumurin’ about an ‘incident’ in the town square. Whadda do?”

“Let’s go investigate!” Lena said.

“Alright, ya make yer way to the town square ‘nd you see a few people seldom like wrappin’ up a few pale corpses.”

“I go up and ask to investigate the corpses,” Lena said.

“They see yer order symbol and let you.”

“I ask our resident mad scientist if, with his wide array of knowledge about anatomy, see if anything is out of the ordinary about the corpses,” Lena said.

“Roll fer medicine, Doctor,”

“Uh…” Junkrat tossed his bright orange d20 once, “Um… let’s see… 24?”

“With that impressive knowledge check, you can deduce that these corpses were drained by a vampire, findin’ the bite marks pretty easy though none of them were turned in the process. Yer check also shows you that a few have obviously been drained by a demon.”

“Wait, drained how?” Junkrat asked.

“Sucubi?” Ana perked up.

“NO!” McCree quickly said before he lost control of the table, “Like their souls have been sucked right out outta ‘em aND NOT THE DIRTY WAY YOU DIRTY OLD BIRDIE.”

“May I make an arcane check to see if I can deduce what demon devoured their souls?” Angela asked.

“Yeah, roll,”

Mercy tossed her d20, “Hmm… 19.”

“Rollin’ high tonight, y’all,” McCree grinned, “Yer check will tell ya that there’s somethin’ off about this kind, it’s not like any kinda demon you’ve dealt with before. Wit’ yer check I’ll give you that it doesn’t seem…. _natural_ for any demon you know.”

“Hmm, it seems our blood sucking friends might be toying with knowledge and power that is well beyond their pathetic realm of control,” Angela said, “I tell the group of my findings.”

“Well, wit’ all this knowledge at yer disposal, y’all want to check out the woods now?”

“Let’s go!” Hana grinned.

"FOR HONOR!" Reinhardt agreed.

* * *

“FUCK THEM UP MY SWEET PET,” Junkrat cheered as Roadhog’s character decimated another dire wolf.

“Wait, Dr. Junkentstien, you didn’t make… him… ‘anatomically correct’, did you?” Ana asked as she rolled to throw a healing potion at a downed Lena.

“Course I did,” Junkrat said, giving her a completely befuddled look.

“Wait, why did you give your monster genitals?” Lena asked.

“Ya don’t make a monster you can’t fuck,” Junkrat huffed.

* * *

“Ya make it ta the back of the cave where the vampires seem ta be holdin’ captives,” McCree said, “It’s packed with cages but most of them seem ta be empty… except one.”

Suddenly McCree took out his comm device. He tapped away on something before pulling out a small device that put up a relatively small holo-screen, connecting it to his comm device before the screen flickered. Suddenly they saw their usual DM and Jack crammed into a single electric bed. Gabe was pale, clammy and tired looking, generally looking like he had just had his ass handed to him.

“A strangely dressed pumpkin headed demon and a pale, pale vampire stuck together in the back cage. Whadda do?”

“Are you alright?” Ana asked, breaking character.

Gabe coughed wetly and the group saw red for a moment before Jack quickly moped it up with a rusty stained cloth.

“Never been better,” Gabe rasped, “Mind getting us out?”

“Are you alright?” Angela asked, breaking character as well.

“Fine, fine, just tired and sore and wanting to get out of this cage,” Gabe said, “Right, Jackie?”

“It’d be nice,” Jack said.

“Let’s get them out and ask them what was going on,” Lena said.

"I careful break the door and start pulling them out," Reinhardt said, "A 16 strength check to break the door, by the way."

“Careful of my head,” Gabe almost chuckled.

“And once you jostle him, the pumpkin balanced on his shoulders rolls off,” McCree said, “Seein’ this, our resident witch can tell you that this is the demon that sucked the souls of the villagers in the town square and probably the vampire that sucked them dry. Yer witch can tell you that the headless one is not a natural demon.”

“You killed those villagers,” Angela said in character.

“Their attempt to keep us alive after gutting and poking at us,” Gabe rasped.

“I tend to both their wounds,” Ana said, “Who kept you here?”

“Probably the same asshole that’s kept us and treated us like cattle,” Gabe said, “The human mayor that probably hired you to kill us.”

“Whadda do?”

* * *

“So… you two were stuck in that cage by yourselves for awhile…”

“NO!”

“You get bored… do something to… alleviate the stress?”

“Oh my god.”

“What? I’m just asking how they dealt with being in the cage all the time,”

“Mostly you count the seconds until getting dissected again,” Gabe said with such icy rage the group went quiet.

“And we fucked a lot.”

“JACK NO.”

* * *

“I can’t believe this was solved without violence,” Lena gaped.

“The wicked mayor, defeated, begs for the antidote even as the angered villagers storm the mansion,” McCree drawled out, “’Please mighty heroes, just give me the antidote!’”

Ana leaned in and grinned wickedly.

“Strange, it seems that the vial I forced down your throat wasn’t poison, it just seems to be the tavern’s horrific coffee,” Ana almost purred, “The poison, it seems, was a lie.”

“Before the mayor can cuss up a blue streak, the villagers break down the doors and push you lot outta the way and grab the mayor and drag him kicking and screaming to the judge’s house, cursing you all before his voice disappears. ‘Congratulations on completing yer first hunt’ yer mentor says, ‘went a hell of a lot smoother then some of my other missions’.”

“I wouldn’t use smooth to describe it,” Angela scowled playfully, “Is our… oh.”

On the holo-screen, Gabe and Jack were completely out, snuggled up against each other deeply. It seemed that Gabe had finally found some semblance of comfort and was finally getting some sleep. McCree chuckled and cut the feed.

“Seems our wounded new friends need attending too, I think we should get them to the tavern to get some rest.”

“I think rest is advised fer everyone, let’s head out y’all,” McCree drawled, “And that is pretty much the end of it. What didja think?”

“That was fun!” Hana chimed, “Sucks that my meka got killed.”

“You let us get away with a lot of goofy stuff,” Lena grinned.

"I thoroughly enjoyed myself, even better then the story I told so many years ago," Reinhardt laughed.

“That was mostly Hanzo’s fault,” McCree said, throwing the archer a flustered smile.

“It is fun to play a selfish and greedy Oni,” Hanzo said simply.

“But I’m glad y’all had fun,” McCree grinned, “Give Gabe a chance to heal up and let us have a bit of fun. Let’s see… how’s Gabe end his again? Oh right. G’night sweet adventurers, until we all meet again.”


	4. One Shot Adventure: Monster Hunters pt2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: Gabriel Reyes/Jack Morrison, Hanzo Shimada/Jesse McCree, dirty jokes and various shenanigans
> 
> Someone over at tumblr requested another part to the monster hunter adventure, but with the Reaper and the Immortal joining them

“Well, howdy y’all,” McCree drawled to everyone, “Welcome back to another installment of our little monster hunter fun.”

This time, instead of going back to their usual DnD adventures, the group was once again playing their monster hunter adventure again. The main reason was that most of their group was missing because Athena was still on lock down and various operatives were still doing their own things to keep their sanity.

The group for this adventure was Angela, Genji, Zenyatta, Hanzo, Gabriel and then Jack with McCree as the DM.

“Alright, now, what were you four again?” McCree asked.

“Oni ninja, to match dear brother,” Genji said, giving his brother a shit eating grin as the archer huffed with embarrassment.

“Cross classed monk and cleric, automaton,” Master Zenyatta said.

“Stealing the idea you gave us last time,” Gabriel said, “Demon gunner.”

Jack adjusted his visor so he could look at his own character sheet. After several moments of awkwardly waiting for him to try and decipher what his sheet said, Gabriel jabbed a finger into the corner of the paper sheet and yanked it over in front of him.

“The Immortal, fighter,” Gabriel said.

“I never played before,” Jack huffed, yanking his character sheet back.

“No worries, I’ll help you Jackie,” Gabriel grinned.

“Oh joy,” Jack drawly drawled out.

“Alright, now, let’s git this adventure on the road,” McCree said, “…Adventurers!”

* * *

“’Please save us, dear adventurers,’” McCree said in character, “’Beasts of the night plague us and if it keeps going on any longer then we are all doomed.’”

“They must be desperate to not mention the fact that McCree is the only human in the group,” Genji muttered.

“Hush,” Gabriel said.

“Alright, what do ya do?” McCree asked the group.

“I ask the villager head to clarify ‘beasts of the night’, because that can mean several different types of creatures, and there is a clear difference between vampire and demon lord,” Angela said.

“’Great vicious, furry beasts, we think they are werewolves, but anyone they have bitten has died from infection later, can werewolves go rabid?’”

“Yes, though the thought of fighting rabid werewolves likely suffering from mental rot is not something that I am looking forward too,” Angela said, “I ask our resident immortal if he has faced rabid werewolves before.”

Jack seemed a bit… ‘deer in headlights’ at being put on the spot, but Gabriel made due on his promise to help.

“There was that one pack a couple decades back,” Gabriel said in character, “Five of them, emaciated, foaming at the mouth, skin rotting in some places. It was honestly sort of a mercy kill to put them down. You remember right, immortal? It was also that town with the real nice beds in the tavern.”

Jack pinked and glared sideways at a smirking Gabriel. However the old mostly blind soldier then just grinned back.

“Oh yeah, turned that pumpkin head of yours into an pumpkin and cream filled treat.”

Gabriel sputtered and then laughed as he blushed.

* * *

“The local bulletin board said that the werewolves were recently seen through the forest,” McCree said, “Should we go out ‘nd start lookin’ fer them, or should we try ‘an gather some more information?”

“We should try and gather some more information, to see if we are dealing with a handful of werewolves or a full blown pack,” Angela suggested.

“How would we even get that information? ‘How many kinds of werewolves did you see attacking your village last week?’” Genji asked.

“Tracking,” Hanzo tisked, “We go to the last area where they attacked and see if we can find different tracks, different fur, different lingering smells.”

“An excellent idea, archer,” Angela said, “Now if only we could trust you to roll to get any of those checks.”

McCree, Genji, Gabriel and Jack had to stifle giggles as Hanzo looked completely insulted and Angela just stared down the archer with unflinching eye contact.

* * *

“T-This is cheatin’!” McCree yelped, cheeks burning bright.

Hanzo was giving McCree his best ‘smolder’ and leaning so heavily on him that he might as well have been laying on McCree. One archery calloused hand was resting on one of McCree’s thick thighs, creeping up the longer that it went on.

“Is it? I am merely asking how high I must roll… surely it cannot be _that_ high,” Hanzo said in a low husky voice.

“Come on darlin’, ya know I shouldn’t…” McCree muttered.

“Hmm?” Hanzo teased, smirking just slightly.

“Ya can’t flirt wit’ the DM, Hanzo!” McCree stressed red.

“Should… we stop them before this goes into PDA territory?” Jack asked.

“Nah, this shit is funny,” Gabriel laughed with Angela.

“Uh… I’d rather not see this,” Genji said. Jack moved a hand in front of Genji’s eyes and Zenyatta covered Genji’s ears. “Thank you, master and Morrison.”

“I am only asking for the number… please cariño?” Hanzo purred.

McCree blanched and suddenly his hat was in front of his face. Gabriel and Angela guffawed, almost screaming with laughter as tears ran down their faces. Jack used his free hand to rub at his face tiredly. Genji used the hand hiding his poor eyes and pressed it further as though to completely block the sight out and Zenyatta let out a small chuckle.

“Roll.”

Hanzo, without removing the hand on McCree’s thigh, rolled his dice.

“12,” Hanzo said before fluttering his eyelashes at the DM, “Is that high enough?”

“Yes!” McCree squeaked.

“Note to self, Hanzo is _pure_ evil,” Genji said, eyes and ears still covered.

* * *

“So ya manage to find the were’s cave,” McCree said, throwing a glance at a smug and smirking Hanzo, “What do you do?”

“Let’s set up the trap, how about you help me, my oni friends?” Angela suggested, “Our more demonic friends, how about you look out for the werewolves in case they hear us?”

“Can do,” Gabriel said.

“Right,” Jack muttered.

“Alright, gonna need stealth checks from everyone,” McCree said.

“14,” Angela said.

“17,” Genji said.

“18,” Zenyatta reported.

“14,” Hanzo said.

“15,” Gabriel said.

“Uh…19,” Jack muttered.

“Well, I would like to congratulate you all on your successful rolls,” McCree smiled, “Except that your friend ‘Dead Eye’ rolled a nat1.”

“Oh shit.”

“Dead-Eye trips ‘nd falls, yellin’ in surprise… roll fer initiative!”

* * *

“My servants never die!” Angela seethed as she once again brought Genji back up.

“My thanks—“

“Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother!” Angela snapped, reaching across the table and thacking Genji’s nose.

* * *

“Well ya managed ta kill two of the weres before the third ran away mortally wounded, what do you do now?” McCree said as Angela burned off her last spell slot to finish healing McCree’s character.

“Probably rest so our MVPs can rest up,” Gabriel said, “Doesn’t even know how to fully play and he pretty much killed a werewolf on his own, un-fucking-believable.”

“I don’t even know, babe,” Jack said, looking down at his character sheet again.

“Actually… real quick, anyone want to make a perception check?” McCree grinned.

The total scores were ten, two, a nat1 belonging to Hanzo, seven and eight. McCree declared each one a failure, which greatly angered Hanzo but he was quickly calmed when McCree said it was not an important check.

“Just flavorin’ fer sumthin’ comin’ up,” McCree winked at the puffed up archer, “Alright y’all, let’s get back ta the tavern.”

* * *

“So, a demon and an immortal,” Angela said in character as their group waited for McCree to draw out more map, “An unusual yet fitting pair.”

“Eh, we’ve been together for a long time now,” Gabriel said in character, throwing an arm around Jack’s shoulder and pulling his boyfriend in close to him, “Working together for a time, then that hell hole with the vampires. We formed a bond tempered in misery, blood, violence and trauma.”

“It must be unusual, what with the pumpkin head,” Angela chuckled.

“Creativity is one of the reasons I’m still with him,” Jack said, “Figure too, even with the pumpkin head.”

“I have to be the one with the figure,” Gabriel grinned mischievously, “Cause Jackie babe? Your ass is fucking flat.”

“Asshole!” Jack snapped, grabbing Gabriel and shaking him playfully.

* * *

“I call bullshit,” Gabriel said.

“You missed the perception check and Angie missed the medicine check, what can I say?” McCree said, “You missed that your friend had been bitten and these past few days that you were travelin’ that he had been progressin’ through the disease. Yer friend Dead-Eye is now a bonifide werewolf.”

“Wait…” Genji said, “Does this make Hanzo a low grade furry?”

There was a moment of silence before the table burst out into laughter.

“What?” McCree asked between chuckles.

“He’s banging Dead-Eye, who’s a werewolf and then you have that furry outfit of yours—“

“It is a traditional garb!” Hanzo snapped.

“You fucking wear a wolf skin on your head,” Genji laughed, “You also refer to your dragon’s as wolves. You refer to yourself as a wolf when you were in it!”

“That’s not low grade furry,” Gabriel said.

“Thank you, Gabriel,” Hanzo huffed.

“That’s actual goddamn furry,” Gabriel grinned.

Gabriel ducked to avoid the spectral dragons thrown at him.

* * *

“I think we should call it a night here,” McCree said, “Alright, here’s the recap. You took a job to take down some werewolves, the archer played dirty ‘nd found out how many there were and you tried to trap their home only for your friend to fail the stealth check and initiated combat. He contracted werewolf-ism durin’ the fight and that one rabid werewolf is still out there. But due to tensions between players, I think it mighty important ta take a break fer the night.”

“I am not a furry,” Hanzo growled.

“Such a goddamn furry,” Genji taunted.

The ninja ran as Hanzo took off after him. The group chuckled at the brothers as they started to clean up.

“Thanks for DMing again, Jesse,” Gabriel said as he helped pick up character sheets.

“No problem Gabe,” McCree smiled, “You needed the break after all that’s happened recently.”

“Still, you’re a good man,” Gabriel said, playfully tugging McCree’s hat.

“Think I’m a good enough man to calm down Han?” McCree chuckled.

“That’s going to take all your silver tongue, cowboy,” Gabriel grinned, “But good luck with convincing your furry boyfriend that he’s not a furry.”

McCree grumbled but was still grinning.


	5. Session 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: Implied reaper76, anahardt, mchanzo, implied sexual situations, alcohol abuse
> 
> Another adventure back to the basics

“Welcome back adventurers,” Gabriel said to his assembled party, “It’s been some time since our last adventure and quiet a lot has happened since then but here’s to hoping that we get back to our regularly schedule adventures.”

“The last time we were together you had advanced further into your adventure by finding the person that would advance it, there was some salt, the green mean barbarians kicked ass and you made it back to the tavern safely.” Gabriel recapped, “Now, let’s move on with the story. Your dwarf friend, after being healed up, begins to tell you of the real quest you’ve been sent on.”

* * *

“Archer, would you like to keep an eye out?” Gabriel asked Hanzo.

“Yes,” Hanzo gritted out, already shaking a d20 before tossing it. Everyone leaned it to watch it stop it stop rolling. When it did, everyone looked collectively shocked.

“Natural twenty!” Hanzo yelled, pointing at his dice.

“Congratulations, your half elf eyes see everything,” He smirked as Hana quickly snapped pictures of the unbelievable roll. “You’ll get a surprise round should anything attack you and for your best roll in a long ass time, I’ll even give you inspiration.”

“Way ta go, hun!” McCree grinned, smooching Hanzo’s flushed cheek.

“Well with the archer looking out, I take a moment to relax and make sure our dwarf friend is healing well,” Angela sighed, “Hopefully this will mean that things will go smoothly.”

* * *

“Ya had ta say somethin’,” Jesse laughed as Angela brought Genji back up.

“STAY WITH THE CART!” Angela yelled.

“Yes, Angela,” Genji whimpered as he disengaged from the dire bears attacking their party and joined Ana on cart.

“Come at me you bastards!” Reinhardt jovially yelled, rolling. That smile did not last for long though.

“Nat1,” The paladin mumbled.

“Ya had to same somethin’,” Jesse laughed.

“You take a swing a Dire Bear, you miss aaaannnnddddd, monk, roll dex or acrobatics,” Gabriel said.

“Um… I shall roll acrobatics,” Zenyatta said nervously before rolling his dice. The Omnic seemed visibly relieved to see the results. “A natural 20”

“Congratulations, you pull some sick shit and move out of the way and your skills are so impressive that you get a surprise attack on the dire bear, a kick right to the goddamn jaw. Roll for damage.”

* * *

“In the distance you see the bandits, your group is still trying to patch themselves up from the dire bear attack, what do you do?” Gabriel asked.

“I got this,” Jesse said.

“Are you sure?” Gabriel said, “They’re a ways a way and it would take some lucky shots to—“

“I’m a sharp shooter, I got this,” Jesse said.

“…fine, I need you to roll…. Seven times,” Gabriel mused.

Jesse rolled and in an astounding string of bad luck, managed to roll a two and six natural ones. Stared horrified, they watched as Gabriel rolled a few times, smiling sadistically. When the bandits rolls where done, Gabriel made a show of cracking his fingers.

“Alright sharp shooter… you fire and then you miss, you fire and you miss again, and you fire and you fire and you missed, you missed both times. You fired and then you missed, your group feels like you go on a tangent of firing and missing for several hours. You fire and you miss, you’re out of crossbow bolts, you’re sad for a moment and sadly eat a trail ration and take a short rest.”

Everyone was laughing as this point, almost to the point of tears. McCree looked absolutely mortified with himself.

“You wake up, you find more crossbow bolts and reload, you fire and you miss, you missed again, you fire, you hit _something_ but it’s not what you’re going for so I guess you missed again. You take another short rest, had another trail ration. You have a dream that you’re firing at something, you missed. You reach into the bag of holding to get another trail ration, you miss and you get Ana’s alchemic ingredients, you put it back, you miss and drop it on the ground.”

At this point everyone was howling with laughter, tears just streaming down their faces. McCree was blushing in sheer embarrassment.

“Long story short, you missed. Care to try something else, _sharp shooter?_ ”

“No,” McCree muttered, using his hat to hide his face as everyone laughed at him.

* * *

“We need a barrel, an empty one, anyone have any idea?”

“Hmm…yes! Dragonborn, I need you to go to the nearest tavern and ask for a mead barrel,” Angela said.

“What for?” Reinhardt asked.

“You’re going to chug it, now go!”

Reinhardt’s character quickly dashed off to the nearest tavern. He tried to ask for an empty mead barrel but the strange look from the tavern owner made him get the full barrel.

“Alright, you’re going to roll… acrobatics, constitution annnddd a general d20 for me,” Gabriel said.

“Uhh…. 13… nat20… and another nat 20,” Reinhardt reported.

“Well you get there but it’s not elegant but you manage to not spill a single drop as you run back to your party members and when you manage to get the barrel back, they find that it’s an excellent barrel and you’re only slightly tipsy and won’t be suffering any ill effects should you fight in the next eight hours.”

“Way to go paladin!” Hana cheered, fist bumping Reinhardt.

“… why did we need a barrel?” Genji asked.

“All in due time, fighter,” Gabriel said in character.

* * *

“Alright, time for a five minute break to use the bathroom and stuff, your group is safely in a tavern so you pretty much have full reign to do some light rping,” Gabriel reported, grabbing Jack’s shoulder before getting up to join the others stretching. “Jack is in charge!”

“I guess me and the paladin will git ‘ur rooms settled,” Jesse said, stretching his flesh arm above his head, “Ey paladin, think you’ll bang this tavern owner too?”

“No!” Reinhardt quickly shot.

“Roll for charisma,” Jack said through a smirk.

“…” Reinhardt rolled his dice and then blanched, “…nat20”

“Well I’m certainly not going to force anything, but the tavern owner sure is interested and casually mentions her door is open any time,” Jack chuckled as Jesse and Genji laughed.

Reinhardt blushed.

“What?! What did I miss?!” Ana quickly said, sliding into her chair so quick and hard that she skidded for a foot.

“The tavern owner wants to bang the paladin,” Jack said.

“Oh please, Reinhardt dear!” Ana begged, “I’ll join you!”

Reinhardt turned red, twiddling his thumbs for a moment before muttering something so quietly they nearly missed it.

When the rest of the group came back, Jack, Ana, Jesse and Genji were laughing hysterically while Reinhardt hid underneath the table with his face in his hands.

“What happened?” Gabriel chuckled.

“The paladin charmed the tavern owner and got invited to rock the headboard, Ana volunteered to join,” Jack managed between fits of laughter, “Long story short, Reinhardt got Eifel towered between two strap-ons.”

There went the rest of the team, laughing at the poor paladin as he steamed like a cooked vegetable.

* * *

“Alright, a lot happened tonight,” Gabriel chuckled, “You started your journey onto your real quest, your archer managed to actually make a roll, your monk kicked a bear in the face, your sharp shooter had a spectacular fail, your paladin chugged a barrel of mead without negative consequence and then when you managed to get to town, the paladin charmed the tavern owner and got Eifel towered between two ladies with strap-ons.”

Jesse and Reinhardt were mortified to be reminded of what they had done and the rest of the group just laughed, ribbing the two of them hard.

“Well, that was a fun mission but it’s late, so… good night sweet adventurers, until next we meet!”


	6. Session 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: Mild suggestive scene towards the end, mild language, threats of violence
> 
> Someone over at tumblr requests another chapter, so here it is! Also I'm slightly delirious at the moment so please excuse poor quality

“Welcome back adventurers,” Gabriel said to his amassed group. “Last time with our fun little adventure… your archer made his rolls, you monk roundhouse kicked a bear in the face, your sharpshooter had such a spectacular fail that I also gave him a unique character flaw of throwing a fit each time he misses, there some mead chugging and then your paladin got railed hard.”

Surprisingly, said paladin was still there. In fact, most everyone on base was there and due to the size of the groups, they had to be split up between two tables with McCree DMing one table and Gabriel the other and also acting as a general DM between the two. In order to keep things even, McCree’s character would still fight and rp, he would just be pulling double duty so they would not need to drag some hapless victim to fill in the spot.

“Alright adventurers, it’s time for the next part of the quest to defeat the evil wizard. You’ve already gotten the barrel, now the according to your hairy little friends you guys need several alchemic ingredients, a rather large number of ingredients actually, so you’ve gathered your numbers and decided to split into two groups for now. The first is going to head into the forest and the other the river to look. Alright? Ready? Break!”

* * *

“Way to go, group one,” Gabriel groaned as Hana vigorously shook a d20. A band of rather touch half orcs were glaring down the group and had spouted some things that did not really mean to provoke the group but Hana seemed in a fighting mood and was now rolling to intimidate. The worst part was that if she got a—

“Natural 20!” Hana called when the dice landed.

“…Let me just… yeeeeaaahhhh, the half orcs are fucking terrified of you, they see this little gnome fighter willing to take them all on without the help of her team and they immediately take off, running with their tails between their legs,” He laughed.

“I chase!” Hana yelled.

“Gimme another check,” He laughed.

“Um, not natural 20,” Hana said.

“And the half orcs roll… another shit roll, they start screaming in terror as they run away from you,” He laughed. This went on for a time, Hana nailing intimidation rolls and the half orcs horribly failing to fight her rolls. Eventually Hana chased them into a river where they managed to start making the athletic checks to swim as she stood on the bank and dared them to fight her.

They had to take a long time to get the laughter out before Gabe leaned over to McCree’s table.

“How’s table two doing?”

“Genji’s down… again,” McCree snorted while Angela lifted up her staff menacingly.

“Was he with the group?”

“What do you think?” McCree laughed as Angela took to taking swings at Genji.

* * *

“Alright, after quite a few misadventures, you have the next ingredients, though quite a few of you are worse for wear,” Gabriel said as everyone used up hit dice or waited for healers to dole out healing abilities and spells. “What would everyone like to do?”

“What’s our hairy friends say?” McCree drawled out.

“We almost have all the ingredients that we need to move on with the journey, now we need two stones which shall be a bit difficult to acquire. Rest first travelers and then we move.”

“Alright gang, back to the tavern and then we move out in the morning,” McCree said, “I say now’s about as good as any to take a five minute break, ya’ll.”

While people moved to get up, stretch, use the rest room, refresh the snacks and drinks, Junkrat saddled up next to Gabriel.

“Alright mate, worst DnD stories, I need ‘em,” He giggled. He wondered what brought it on when Roadhog loudly cleared his throat and answered that for him.

“He found a reddit with them.”

“Ooh… okay, yeah, I’ve got some awful DnD players and their stories,” He said , stretching in his seat, “Mostly with other people, I don’t anyone here has been that awful by choice.”

“Alright… first was this rogue I once played with, awful bratty person playing her. Anyway, this asshole plays an assassin stylized rogue like a goddamn barbarian, so you can guess how many times he was knocked down and brought back up. Genji pales next to how many times this guy died. One time the group was fighting some golems and we managed to trigger them to flee and we stop to patch wounds and regroup. The assassin-wanna-be charges after like an asshole.”

Junkrat let out a shrill bout of laughter, adamantly paying attention. The few people that had lingered were also paying attention, apparently entertained.

“A squishy low level rogue went running after the golems and hit a dead end where they were all waiting for him. You can guess what happened, right? Surprise round with about twelve golems and the first two landed critical hits on him so he did not last long. This asshole starts to immediately demand we come running to save him.”

“But ya didn’t know in character, right?” Junkrat asked.

“Right, and we wanted this asshole to suffer at this point, so we take our time to heal, patch up, regroup and seeing that we were not pandering to him, the asshole flings his goddamn character sheet and gets red faced like he’s gonna cry or something and screams at the DM when he tries to gently remind him of how DnD worked.”

“How old was he?” Angela dared to ask.

“Twenty one,” He deadpanned, making the listeners break out in laughter.

“That’s not even the best goddamn story about this asshole,” He quickly said, unable to stop his chuckles, “This asshole plays everything like a goddamn barbarian and we try and assure him that there’s nothing wrong with playing a straight out barbarian, the normal barbarian can switch, it’s really okay. But he keeps saying that they’re too easy to play, that he wants to try new things despite never being a fucking barbarian before.”

“What an cunt,” Junkrat giggled.

“The worst part? My last goddamn game before deployment, I wouldn’t ever see this asshole again?” He gaped, throwing his hands up for effect, “He plays a goddamn barbarian, guess what he gets yelled at for?”

“No,” Angela giggled behind her hand.

“PLAYING HIM TOO GODDAMN SMART! He’s got like a nine intelligence barbarian trying to play it smarter than the fourteen intelligence wizard. ‘Just play like you’ve played any other character!’ We told him and you know what this fucking asshole says? ‘I want to be unique!’ And you know what this goddamn barbarian manages to get accomplished? Get drunk, try and horrifically fail to imitate a statue of a Dwarf and then piss himself. That was it.”

He had everyone in tears at this point, laughing at the misadventures of this asshole.

“G-got anymore?” Junkrat managed between giggles.

“Well there would be the time that this same person that shot and outright killed one of party members with a crit fail and the DM hated him, pretty self explanatory. Oh man, I gotta tell you the tales of the bitchy elf ranger I did,” He grinned.

The rest of the team started trickling back.

“…mmmaaaybe another time,” He smiled.

* * *

“Alright adventurers, your parties split with the river and you go to see out the stones that your friends require. Would anyone like to look out?”

“Yes,” Hanzo said, already rolling before his team could stop him. However, he got an impressive twenty three for perception, puffing with pride as pictures were taken of the dice roll.

“…8,” Ana reported on the other table.

“Surprise surprise, my table gets a surprise round on the bandits waiting ahead and the bandits get a surprise round on table two, roll for initiative!”

* * *

They got a bit of a show when Genji’s character dashed away from the group and was struck down. Without mercy, Angela drew her pistol and just started opening fire on Genji and they watched Angela run after Genji as he screamed and begged for forgiveness as she kept trying to put holes into him.

“MERCY!” He yelled.

“THERE WILL BE NONE, BITCH!” Angela screamed back.

* * *

“Alright adventurers, you got the stones but thanks to yet another miraculous roll from your archer, you make it to the next town. As you set up in the tavern, the dwarves filled the mead barrel with water, pour in the herbs and then the two stones and then kindly have the tavern owner set up a small cooking fire underneath,” Gabriel said, “Now the potion must brew and when it is done, it shall make a potion that will let us pass unharmed into the poisoned airs of the wizard’s grounds.”

“With that, I take a long rest,” Angela sighed, rubbing her temples.

“WAIT!” Ana yelled, “Who’s the tavern owner, Reinhardt needs to bang them, or banged by them.”

“Ana, I’m sure we really don’t need to keep this streak going…” Reinhardt paled.

“Let’s see… a rather scarred and muscular tiefling stands behind the bar, wiping down mugs, he regards you coldly,” He grinned.

Then everyone piled on, begging Reinhardt to try it anyway. After a moment, Reinhardt caved and rolled… naturally getting a natural twenty. Reinhardt blushed as he rolled to oppose.. spectacularly failing naturally.

“Well I won’t force you into anything, but the tavern owner is interested and regards you a little less coldly,” He said.

Reinhardt was a beat red, hands buried in his face. Ana rubbed his back and whispered how he did not need to do it, it was a joke they thought it was funny. After a moment, Reinhardt mumbled something.

“Hmm? Will?” Ana asked.

“…I roll for quality…”

* * *

“Alright adventures! Let’s recap, you found out that the next part of the quest required a potion and they started gathering ingredients. Genji died, many times, Hanzo succeeded some of his rolls, there were some stories in the intermission, you found some bandits and then Angela almost killed Genji literally and eventually you all made it back to town. There was a grizzled tiefling behind the bar and the paladin finally gave into temptation and played along with everyone and the result is a very exhausted paladin and tiefling very smugly smoking a pipe in bed. Any questions or additions?”

Reinhardt had to leave, he was almost steaming and Ana quickly followed after, laughing as she chased his heels though he swore that Reinhardt looked a little amused himself. People laughed before packing up their things.

“Good night sweet adventures,” Jesse and him said together, “Until next we meet!”


End file.
